Nbr post: 8
Posted: 7/9/09 4:28 AM
Stolen from another forum, so no credit to me.
What Kind of Raider Are You?
You raid with these people. You work with these people. These people are closer than your family. You should worry.
The GM - Hes sacrificed his health, friends, and probably a couple of jobs to drag you through new content. When the guild isnt performing, these decisions are in question. Prone to shooting sprees, forum flame wars, and the rapid advancement/gearing of whatever toon the guild needs. If you can keep your mouth shut, hell go emo and quit before you get gkicked. Still, you do like the guy. Or did. Before he went crazy. See drunks, below.
The GM's Significant Other - Okay, so he was going to have to quit but he tricked his SO into playing. She loves it. She's terrible. You'll effectively 24 man every boss. Count on 4 constructs in the raid, every attempt. She plays a Belf.
The Raid Leader - When you stand in the flames, he dies a little bit inside.
The Heir Apparent - When the GM goes psycho, ninjas the bank, and gdisbands, you're the guy the guild is gonna look to to to fix the mess. You see it coming. You can't decide if ritual suicide or being the new gm would be more painful.
The Positive Officer - That was great. Just great. You know, only 5% of guilds have even made it to Supremus, and getting him down to 67% on the second attempt is hawt. See Stoners, below.
The Negative Officer - Jesus Christ why are there corpses under all these goddamn volcanoes? Its Supremus for %@*@ss sake. GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN FLAME! See Drunks, below.
The Healing Officer - Has this job because, as the newest officer who plays a healer, hes stuck with it.
The Hunter Class Lead - Will tell you that it does actually require skill and preparation to play a hunter well in the end game. Lies frequently.
Metermaid - He's got meters running. Always. Asks for meter postage whenever he's in the top 5, which is rare, as his focus on the meters is preventing him from seeing the volcano he's pathing towards. Pulls aggro. Has yet to realize that 0 health returns 0 dps. If he's healing, you might as well just put him on raid, he's gonna heal them anyway.
Stratman - Has read every strategy on the entire internet for every boss. Unable to think critically. Knows where his talk key is. Hated by the officers. Likely to play a hunter or mage.
The Gay Guy - Affects the gay accent for effect. Upgrade decisions tend to involve lengthy discussions about gear appearance. Learned to use the dressing room function before the vkey.
The Stay At Home Mom - Shes around children all day and craves adult conversation. Babbles incessantly in vent, forgetting that adult conversation doesnt usually begin with, So I was talking to (insert name of four-year-old child) and he says… Well liked, but frequently muted.
Mr. Mikeless - Has a microphone. Hears the conversation and directions. Once wiped the raid because he started talking and most folks alt-tabbed to see who the hell was speaking. May be your best player.
The Kid - So, you messed up on this guys interview and nobody noticed that he was 12. But, he can play. And if he gets a little bit excited when boobies are getting talked about? Hey, hes young.
The Backbone - Plays a tank. Doesn't have much to say. Made an error once in SSC, or so you heard. Will disconnect when Gorefiend is at 30% and keep aggro while offline for the rest of the fight. Has never said anything negative to the healers. Ever. GL with your progression without one of these. Hates the prima donnas.
The Other Kid - Remember that accountant you interviewed for the fury warrior position? And how you wondered how hed make time to raid during tax season? He couldnt. His eleven year old daughter took over about that time. Shes been raiding since. Mages, thats an eleven year-old girl owning you night after night.
The Hunter Who Doesn't Do His Homework - Always good for insightful commentary and clever observation just after a wipe. "Holy Crap Man! I was just standing and shooting and this damn VOLCANO popped on me! When did they put in those volcanoes?"
The Prophet - Kept insisting that you were going to need a melee group for BT, despite the fact hat melee was dreadful for SSC/BT. Badgered the management until they broke. Plays a rogue. Shreds. Loved by the Most Devout.
The Most Devout - This is the guy who gets to play an off-spec in a big-boy raid. He's the fury warrior or the enhance shammy. He cannot believe that some fate is letting him have this much fun that he's afraid it will all come crashing down. Prays devoutly to his favorite diety that the guild won't collapse because he'll never have THIS much fun again. Ever.
The Drunks - The core of your guild. As raid progresses, their voices in vent are getting just ever so slightly slurred. You dont notice because youre trying to sound sober yourself. DPS output seems to scale positively with blood alcohol level
The Stoners - Quietly wiping raids since the beta. They really, really, really hate having to move out of the fire. Two of them are dead under the volcanoes. They live in fear of the negative officer. They have their own channel. Try /join (insertguildname)stoners. Youll see whos in there. Itll explain a lot. Still, if these guys don't show, bosses don't seem to actually die. Theyre also having more fun that everyone else combined.
The Prima Donna - Requires special attention from management. Constantly whining. Plays some vital role. Might be a main tank, mage tank, or lock tank. The officers really hate this guy and as soon as they can find another tank with 24,000 buffed HP, hes out. Not a stoner.
The Chick with the Accent - Is the accent fake? Nobody knows or cares. Future visits to Australia/Britian/New Zealand/Alabama are now planned by all single raid members.
The Healing Pallie - Hates healing and had to go holy to see endgame. If you raid with a boomkin, a feral druid, a fury warrior, or any non-resto shaman, you are not getting a 10 minute blessing. Forget it. He hates you. God help you if he has a raid-viable alt in one of those classes; you're not even getting heals. Also, see Prima Donna.
The Departed Legend - You joined after he left. You suspect that he could not actually solo Doomwalker. But you're not totally sure.
The Disgruntled Raider - Took an unannounced, extended vacation and now has to share his raid spot with the other 11 extra dps. Very angry about this situation. Doesn't realize that ##@#*ing is making things worse. Officers pray for a gquit.
The Warlock Whisperer - Directionally challenged. Despite having run Karazhan 1.26 million times, will require a summon to Maiden's room from the entrance. Has a "summon pls" macro. Strangely, is good at moving away from volcanoes. See (you guessed it) Stoners.
The New Guy - Begins most sentences with, "That's not how we did it in my old guild on Korgath." Likely to remain guilded for approximately one week. You wonder if he'll be telling his next guild, "In my old guild, we ran TOWARDS the volcanoes.
The Backup - He's the guy waiting in the wings for the raid slot. Totally dependable and plays about 200% better than the guy for whom he's filling in. He's got half the gear and puts out 20% more dps. Totally cool, amazingly competent. You love it when the main can't be there.
The Buff-less Wonder - Plays a class with group buffs, but "forgets" to bring the necessary reagents. Highly skilled at turning a deaf ear and blind eye to buff assignments. If reminded, will proceed to slowly buff people one by one until someone else is overwhelmed by frustration and does it for them. (Kantor, Scarlet Crusade)
Mr. Pick Me! Pick Me! - This guy is online and ready to raid. Always. Need a prot warrior? He's got one. A holy pallie? Check. Problem is, he's really bad. Like bad bad. You keep him in the guild because he's... well, he's always been in the guild. So when your main tank, back up tank, and back up back up tank have vanished Mr. Pick is ready to rock, much to everyone else's horror. (Gaucho, Twisting Nether)
Tootsie - Has a female toon. Claims to be female. Receives many of the benefits that the other females do, people are nice to her; she gets suspiciously good loot. Problem is, she's never posted a picture of herself, and she never talks on Vent. Could she really be a girl? Sure. But who's to know? (Jayne, Mug'thol)
The Dumbest Person On The Planet - No one's quite sure exactly what's wrong with this guy, perhaps human evolution really has come to a standstill. Will be the cause of 60% of your wipes until he gets a /gkick. Tell him to spread out and he'll glue himself to a squishy healer. Tell him to avoid something and he'll stand in it till dead, then complain that he didn't get any heals. Ask him to CC the yellow star and he'll pick the orange circle then claim bleeding wounds debuff on his target. (Zanadune, Vek'nilash)
The Obvious Explainer - This guy has read Wowwiki and probably written some of it. He will stop the raid for 15 minutes before each fight to explain to all the new people (of which there are none) that this guy might produce ground fire once in a while or that the hunter adds might shoot arrows. He'll warn that the boss can hit hard, tell everyone to avoid damage, and remind the healers that they need to keep the tanks alive.
(EDIT) Found More!!
Hair Trigger - He means well. Really, he does. Most of the time, he's likable, knows how to play his class, shows up on time, well prepared, and ready to work hard. He knows the strats, knows his role, and 75% of the time is a pleasure to have in the raid. Unfortunately, he's also got a very short fuse, and if something goes wrong or somebody screws up, he'll set off with enough RAGE to keep your warriors happy for a week. "How the hell could you screw that up?" "Don't you know what the hell you're doing?" "Jesus Christ, could you please NOT suck next time? Can we get somebody goddamn competent in here, dammit?" Causes a good share of drama, frequently butts heads with the officers (especially the Negative Officer), and prone to /gquitting in a fit of anger before simmering down and humbly requesting a re-invite.
The Undergeared Slacker - This is the player who, for whatever reason, will only put out 33% of the DPS or healing of any other player with the same role. While not being AFK. This player is also likely to roll or spend DKP on the worst possible items for his/her class or role. You would love to drop him from the raid, but you don't have enough bodies to do so.
The Douche - He knows his class, knows the game, and always shows up to raids, but generally unpleasant and often rubs his guildmates the wrong way. If you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do (heal as a priest/drood/shammy/pally instead of DPS, tank as a warrior instead of DPS, kite as a hunter instead of... DPS) he'll do it, but he'll complain endlessly the entire time and opt out the first chance he gets. He'll bid on minor upgrades even when someone else could use it more, but hey, he's got the DKP, and the raid doesn't want to lose him because he's a good player. The sort of guy who'd grab Ashkandi when he already had Sulfuras just because he hated to be Mace Spec. Every guild has one, you know who it is--if you don't, you may BE one. Often from New York, New Jersey, or Quebec.
My Glass Is Half Full - He's a decent player, but above all else he brings to the raid endless optimism. "Don't worry guys, good job, we learned a lot!" "We'll get him next time, we're doing better and better!" "We're definitely going to down this guy tonight." If there's any conflict or argument, he'll try and step in with a quick "Let's not argue, guys! Stay focused and we can do this!" He's a nice guy and means well, but the officers keep him muted on Vent half the time just because his encouragement gets in the way of strategy.
Pointdexter - He has the game down to a science. He may be a 40-year-old accountant with the free time of a 15-year-old student, or a 15-year-old student with the focus of a 40-year-old accountant. Drools over spreadsheets, calculates the group's overall DPS and efficiency and how it can be improved down to the smallest stat bonus. Spends his days on WorldofRaids and the Elitist Jerks forums looking at all the numbercrunching and posts everything on your own guild forums. Certainly an asset to the raid, but damn he needs a hobby.
The Terminal Virgin - Excessively vulgar, passive/aggressive. Has a slang term for the female genitalia for every letter of the alphabet, but has never actually seen one.
The Avatar - He's been in your guild since before you can remember and you've seen him raid maybe twice, but for some reason, this guy outgears the rest of your guildies by a tier. If you're in Kara, he's wearing gear from Kael'thas. If you're on Kael'thas, he's got gear from Illidan. If you're attempting Illidan there are no more upgrades for him in the game. He'll hit 15% of your total raid dps in a 25 man instance, or heal your main tank without dropping below 70% mana. And he'll let you know how bored he is the entire time.
The Baggage - He's not bad per se, but he isn't good. The only reason he's still getting raid invites is because some vital raid member refuses to raid without him. Maybe he's family, maybe he's just a friend, but it's not his leet dps that you drag him along for. Usually knows he has a guaranteed slot because of his connections, and feels free to use that at every opportunity.
The Kid With ADHD - Night elf hunter or undead rogue. This kid is spastic, while the raid is drinking, he's jumping around like a moron, running in circles, and setting off fireworks. If that wasn't bad enough, he's on vent complaining that the raid isn't moving fast enough, even though he's not prepared for the next pull either. All of that might be tolerable if his constant antics didn't also involve falling into the lava and aggroing every mob in a 100 yard range.
Vent Prostitute - This is the girl that wants the raid to know she has boobs, a nice butt and loves sex. She will shamelessly tell you how anything demure turns her on, and will occasionally moan in vent. Don't be fooled ... she knows what kind of power this gets her; after all she needs to level the playing field when Girl with the accent is online.
Mr. Mumbles - Loves to talk on vent, but is constantly asked what he just said. This can be caused by several reasons - broken mic, bad accent, just just mumbly. Almost always has something important to say - too bad you'll never hear it.
The Jackass Entertainer - Mouthy comments and random song follow this raider around. Usually contains his bullcrap to the space between wipes, but has upon occasion caused a hiccup in the progression due to a poorly timed joke nearly wiping the raid.
Mr. Worthless - The one or two people you have to take sometimes because you're short on people. They are as geared and talent-specced like others in the raid, yet their numbers don't come close to others. Most of these are hunters or rogues, although that shadow priest or warlock fits that bill. They leave you scratching your heads on how the **** their numbers are so bad, vowing not to take them again until they improve...until next week you need them again.
Mr. 4Chan/Ytmnd/WoW.com Forums - Thinks every internet fad they've ever seen or heard about is the most hilarious thing in the universe, and has to share it with the raid. He has a massive amount of internet knowledge, has millions of pictures, and can bring up any oft-repeated phrase for hours at a time for no reason. Going from ' no wai ' to ' naga stole my [arcanite reaper] ' to ' [perdition's blade] GOES HERE D: ' golemagg doesn't change facial expressions!, ' he's sometimes funny, but the humor wears thin the 90th time you've said a raid command in /rs and he's /yell'd back, ' O RLY? '
Mr. STFU - This is the guy who believes he is funny but simply isn't. Even his voice is annoying, like nails on a chalkboard. Or he is the one with the most God-awful laugh you've ever heard who is always laughing. The problem is some of these people can't be muted because most of the time they actually contribute viable information. These are the people you whisper to other people in the raid, "He sounds like a beying donkey who's been kicked in the nads" or "Oh for the love of Christ shut him up".
The Over-Analyzer - Even if this person does top damage and dps in the raid, he is convinced he can do better or that the guild could do better. He is nearly impossible to make happy, and frequently is self-absorbed about himself in general. He is generally a really good player, but he is convinced that no matter what, anything could be better then whatever he just did/the raid just did.
The Perv - Takes anything and everything said and twists it into an innuendo, some more subtle than others. His mind resides firmly in the gutter and what few minds weren't there before he spoke create an almost audible splash when they hit it and hit it hard. Source of much entertainment, especially late at night or when drunk, as long as he doesn't carry things too far. Keep away from the Kid and the Other Kid or you may lose them to parental aggro.
Junkie - The one who perpetually raids while under the influence of half a bottle or more of Nyquil or some equally intoxicating cough syrup/pill. ALWAYS slacks on trash, all the while laughing to themselves for no reason with eyes half open. Always #1-2 on dps on bosses, but bottom 15 on trash dps. A fucked up flipper baby of The Stoners and The Drunks. Also, much like The Stoners, always has WAY more fun than other people in the raid even though they have no idea what's going on.
The Armor Thief - This person is in agreement with the officers that some pieces are better for his "spec" than pieces from his actual armor type. It's a shame he didn't talk to anyone who actually played the class, or he might actually not be pissing them off AND might actually not be at the bottom of the charts. Frequently a Druid, Paladin, or warrior.
The Other Armor Thief - This person is not in agreement with anyone that he will take anything designed for his armor type, even if someone else sees it as an upgrade. Simply put, if he doesn't have it, and it's his armor type, he wants it, even if it's not an upgrade or intended for a different spec.
The Retribution Paladin - See The Armor Thief, The Other Armor Thief.